Headaches

There are times in my life where I actually thought things were going in the right direction. I really did want to believe to keep my head up and to be positive about everything. I still do....sort of. Its just hard with $300 to my name total (no savings, no 401K....) with a masters degree that does nothing for me. I've applied for thousands of jobs and feel more worthless with every direction. Thats me being honest. I am smart. I have three degrees and at most I make lives of people I work with better but underneath it all, I am still sad. My kids are honestly all that keeps me alive. I hate being the negative nelly all the time but seriously, how much can one person take. I apply for 2-10 jobs each day still because I need to get on my feet but its seemingly impossible right now. I don't understand honestly why I can't find a job that pays me at least to use my brain and I can live on my own with my kids. I am sad, defensive, annoyed all at once and am losing the courage to be strong all the time. Not sure what to do anymore.

Music of my life

Music touches the soul. It can make us cry, make us smile, make us angry, make us excited, make us bring back memories, can create new memories.....music is amazing.
We all have music that touches our own soul. I have a few songs that do that....one is new....Pink's F'in perfect....check it out on youtube. Amazing. (I took out the word "f&%^" as to not offend...

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're
nothing
You're perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were
wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you
instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're
nothing
You're perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too
hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're
nothing
You're perfect to me...

Dreams

Everyone has dreams. Whether it be to be a dancer or have a beautiful wedding or be rich. My dreams have always been to be the best me I can be. What does that mean? Currently it means being the best single mom I can be to my three kids which involves endless love, commitment to their successes, support for the failures and....and here's the interesting part...financial stability. Sounds strange that a child would care, but believe me, they do. Yes, unconditional love is fantastic and necessary and they get every ounce they possibly can get. But after two years of no full time job for me and being a 36 year old living with her parents, it doesn't show stability the way my children deserve to see. I have a BS and a MA and for what? There are tons of articles lately about if degrees even matter anymore. I have been wondering that for a while actually. I used to work at a place that stated on their job descriptions that a bachelors degree is a must, however the hiring manager doesn't have one, her team lead didn't have one, but they demand their staff to? Strange. Certain companies state they require masters degrees in business to be considered yet I have a MA in Management and they could care less. Why? Apparently, my resume. Interesting since a business professsor, someone who owns his own business, created mine. Wish someone would have told me this years ago. I'm smart, I learn fast and through this babble, I just need a job. Its not hard to comprehend, its not something millions of other Americans need.

disection of serenity

The serenity prayer goes like this...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

____

I am going to to take this one piece by piece...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

Ok, starting with that. Yes, please. I need to learn how to do this. I know this in my heart but for some reason people, experiences etc...things I can not change, bother me in some fashion. Examples: People that have no fear in expressing themselves but when someone challenges that thought, they get upset. That bugs me. People that judge people based on situations without the allowance of self change...that bugs me. Ok, god, grant me the serenity......

"courage to change the things I can"

This is very limited. See above....

"and wisdom to know the difference"

Ok, I have that one down pretty well...

"Living one day at a time;Enjoying one moment at a time;"

Most of the time, this is doable. My certain aspects require about a million moments at a time.

"Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; "

Ok, here we go... By definition, accept means "to agree to take" such as in duty or responsibility. Thats hard to do. Exhibit A...someone spends too much money on things they don't need. Spending is their drug. to accept the addiction, by this definition, is to agree to take the responsibility. Yes, take responsibility for actions but is there free help? no. Are there attorney's who do pro bono work as to help another citizen accept the responsibility? no. Should there be? yes. I have ideas people....

"Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; See above...so, the person has a spending addiciton and requires therapy and assisting in starting their lives over again. They performed a sin, of sorts, to their lives. Does God see the future in that this person is seen as accepting the sin? Maybe i am over analyzing (which, for those that know me, shouldn't be too surprising)

"Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;" How does this work for an addict exactly, whether alcohol, money, drugs etc...first is the word trust but then trustring that god will make things right if I surrender? Please explain....

"That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him". who doesn't want to be happy. who dreams of darkness and sadness? Not me!!!

"Forever in the next.Amen." AMEN to that.

There was a time in my life that all was sunshine and roses...with a little dirt, irises, tulips, weeds....but things happen. Life happens. And now I would like to change it. Too bad it requires the exact thing that I don't have.

Forgotten

When I decided to write a blog, I completed forgot that I had already started one a few years ago.

http://fisherzoo.blogspot.com/

so strange. I wrote about the birth of my youngest child, who will be three in one week. Strange how time flies.
So, I sit here looking at the snow fall outside my window. Mother nature is amazing with all her fury whether it be snow, rain, tornados, hurricanes.......she's a busy woman. Maybe she can find me a job! LOL. But I am sitting here, full of thought. Thinking about my weekend, my future, my kids, my world........

Anyway, the weekend was full of excitement. Saturday was an amazing football game. GO PACK!! On Sunday I went to the Day of Discovery which is held once a year for jewish educators. Its amazing. The first class I went to was called Pop Up Books. Amazing that I can find the creative side of me. The next was one that I honestly went to only to hear the speaker. He is so amazing! I have known this man my entire life and he could honestly speak about the grass growing and I would find it intriguing. I remember his blue house next to the synogague and the street he lived on and how I thought his son was adorable (sorry Roxanne)....he's just elequant and I adore his speaking engagement. Wish I could hear more.

http://www.cong-shalom.org/aboutStaff.shtml

Then came a ceremony ackowledging Jewish educators for their work both in their lessons as well as longevity. I actually had a sense of jealousy in that I wish I could relive my Jewish existance as a youth and have the understanding and joy in my religion as I have now. But then I realized my hands were clapping in excitement for those individuals being praised and that instead of having jealousy for them, I would adhere to the old adage "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and I would pursue my own abilities to be just like them.

http://cjlmilwaukee.org/

The third session was one that although was interesting, I hate shedding tears. It made me think of my favorite movie, Breakfast at Tiffanys.
." You know those days when you get the mean reds? .........No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?"
So, I left early so that I could regain my soul into the world of happiness and community rather than depression and sadness.

So here I sit again, looking at the snow fall outside my window, wondering if tomorrow will bring a new beginning. A new hope. A new ray of sunshine. Althought it will be hard, I am at a point of "i have to". It will be okay......I am a good person, the world needs me around, enough already.

A lonely saturday

I decided that this blog thing might actually have a purpose for me. Instead of finding my soul and searching for the meaning for all the bad crap thats happened in my life, why not turn that around and become a better person because of it all. Why not write it all down, get feedback, look around at the wonderment of the world, and be the happy person I once was, even if not in the same context.
Every time something sad occurs in my life, someone is always there to tell me "well at least you didn't lose a child" or "thank goodness your kids are healthy" or "feel lucky you have three beautiful kids". In my anger and frustration my response is usually that I don't have to pay their bills or that i don't live their life but if I did, that would be horrible, yes. I am usually not a selfish person but lately....in the past two years, thats what I have become. Why??? Shortest version ever...ready??
Divorce, lost job due to untruths about me which have now ruined me, bad car, bad health, rude attitude, addicted to food, maxed out credit cards so my kids could have everything they asked for etc... I truly do understand when people say I need to move on and that I have to stop being bitter. Truly..I do understand it. However, and hear me out on this....I spent 8 years at a job that no, wasn't my favorite place to be, but i was good at it. I was married while working there, had all three kids while working there, made friends while working there, spent thousands on a masters degree to grow there...and in came evilness and it all went away. The job, the security, the friends..all of it. So yeah, I am bitter. What makes it worse is that for over 2 years I have put up a happy front and tried to find another job with no avail. Nothing...nada...and although most companies won't tell me why they won't hire me, a few have mentioned things like "not enough experience in the specific area" or "the gap in employment isn't what we are looking for".....arg....so, here I am, writing a blog, to let out my feelings in the hopes that, in the diary-sense of it all, I will feel better about life. I will feel better that one day happy me will be here and have a full time job and will be able to provide for my family the way a 36 year old, college and life education person should. I am tired of this "woe is me" attititude that I have..honestly...but enough is enough...I need a job.
So.......nursing school here I am..again. I tried for over a year and got frustrated at missing passing a class twice by one point. Thats right, I got a 69% in my anatomy class twice. I gave up..I stopped. I thought that maybe I was heading down the wrong road. I thought maybe I should be a teacher. But then, one day, it hit me. What do I want to do. I want to work in pediatrics as a nurse..someplace. Thats what I want to do. So, I leave all the "woe is me" behind me and work my butt off for these final 5 classes I have left where in the middle of them I can petition into the clinicals portion of school. I can do this....The little engine that could? Thats me...If not for me, then for my three beautiful kids that believe in me. No matter what I do. So what if I have wasted other degrees and other monies on them. So what if I was robbed security and a job for things I didn't do wrong. Time for meto focus on the good instead of the bad. Enough!!!!!!

And on behalf of the Packer game tonight, the picture, although old, represents my love for the state I live in...GO PACK!!!!!